Celebrity Haiku # 89: Hot Stove Edition

Newly annointed BoSox skipper Bobby Valentine

I guess the good times are over for lax, out of shape, multimillionaire athletes in Boston for a while. Before starting in on his new Draconian regimen to whip lazy assed baseball layabouts into World Series contenders again, newly minted Boston Red Sox skipper Bobby Valentine penned this latest Celebrity Haiku to commemorate the occasion. Good luck sir, you'll need it.

Start spreadin' the news

Beer and Chicken my red ass

New Sheriff in town

-Bobby V

Celebrity Haiku: River dance Edition

Erstwhile Red Sox closer Jonathan "Bojangles" Papelbon

Well, he was amusing. I'll give him that. Now, his job is to amuse Philly fans,and my friends, that is no small task.So as we bid a fond farewell to J. Paps and his sometimes aggravating ninth inning hijinx, we commemorate his new contract with the Phils with a fresh new Celebrity Haiku.

Ship'n out to Philly

One riverdance coming up

I got your contract

-Jonathan Papelbon

The greatest game there ever was...

I vividly remember, still to this day, watching Game 6 of the
1975 World Series, at my parent's house. At the end, I was all alone. Neither my sister nor Mom really cared about sports, and my Dad, just to torment me I think, used to refer to my team as the "Red Flops".

So there I was, all alone, late into the night, watching my BoSox go down into history for creating the best basball game in the history of basball. Some little or well known fun facts and memories about my fav team and the fabled '75 season.

I had a Border Collie I used to call Yaz named after Captain Carl. I loved that dog more than Yastrzemski himself.

Louis Tiant's twisted pitching delivery, where he gyrated and turned his back on the plate and faced center field before slinging in high speed cheese and breaking stuff to the befuddled Reds hitters.

Bill Lee used to munch Pot Brownies while he jogged in to Fenway on his days to pitch

Berni Carbo, who tied game 6 in the bottom of the 8th inning, revealed, in a 2010 ESPN interview, that he was high on alcohol and drugs when he hit the histoic homer. He also, on his home run trot, reportedly taunted Reds 3rd baseman Pete Rose, by saying "Hey Pete, don't you wish you were that strong?".

In the bottom of the 12th inning, we all remember Carlton Fisk hitting the game winning homer off Red's Pat Darcy. We all remember how he seemed to 'will' the ball fair as it boinked off the left field foul pole. Well, I was just reading in an interview that NBC camerman Lou Gerard, who was posted in the left field Green Monster stands, didn't intend to capture Fisk's now famous gesticulation as his ball sailed into the misty Boston night. The job of the cameraman, in this instance, was to track the flight of the ball as it sailed out of the park. Instead, however, he said he was temporarily distracted by the sight of a rat near his post. He lost track of the ball and instead zoomed in on Fisk, who magically it seemed, waved the ball out of Fenway and into highlight heaven. Good old Fenway Park.

I still remember to this day, as the stoic Vermonter Fisk rounded the bases, myself doing a silent St. Vitus dance of joy in my parent's living room,not wanting to wake everyone up, stifling my whoops of "YES" and thanking the good lord Jeebus for letting my Red Sox win.

Then I remember the next day the Red Sox win and take the historic series from the Cincinati Reds 3 games to 4. Of course my memories may be a bit hazy on that one.

Anyhow, keep your stick on the ball and your eye on the ice.

De-obfuscating the Top 5 Sports Headlines of the Week

"No man, wait Tito, don't go man, I got your back, bro'..."

To get things started, the editorial staff at BI has assembled the top five recent sports stories, at least from our vantage point and tried to make sense of them, using small words you can easily understand, never using terms like"surreptitiously" or "erstwhile". Damn, there I go again. Anyhow, in no particular order, we present the following:

Ortiz or Sabathia: who's fatter

Now let's get one thing straight Sox fans: David Ortiz doesn't care about you. Sorry to say that, but he does not. He'll surely go play ball somewhere else in 2012. If he doesn't it won't be for lack of trying. Could it be Toronto? He could sure help out Bautista. It couldn't go any worse for the Jays than 81-81. Ortiz could put some more punch in that line-up, even at his advanced age. Could he go to the Yankees. Unsavory as that sounds, it could happen. He'd probaly love it."They do it right in NY", says Popi. If he does come back to Boston, groovy. More power to him. I'll still root for him. Whatever.

Also, as you may have heard, we're not getting CC Sabathia, or as I like to call him, CC 'FatAssia". Yes, the Wankees signed him for another contract for about a Kazillin dollars a year. Now tell me that fat bastard is not choogling beer and throwing back fried chicken in the clubhouse on his off days. Well, at least he produces on his day to pitch. Hear that Lackey?! Oh, stop crying about your elbow!

Wakefield slated to be Sox 2012 #1 starter

According to a report by Jackie McMullen from ESPN Boston.com, incoming BoSox GM Ben Cherington has announced that Tim Wakefield will be the top starter for the Sox 2012 rotation. In a suprising annnouncement at his innauguaral news conference, Cherinton put his full support behind the aging 58 year old knuckleballer. "He's obviously in the best shape", said Cherinton. "And the least hungover". When approached by reporters at a local Boston KFC, both John Lester and Josh Beckett declined to comment.

Big Bad Bruins just plain bad

After bringing home Lord Stanleys Cup last year and ending the suffering of many of my homeys from Beantown, the B's have started the 2012 campaign pretty much stepping on their dicks so far. Now, don't get me wrong about two things: 1. I still loves me some Bruins, 2. I am no Hockey expert. I don't know what the Hell is making the B's performance so underwhelming thus far. I would have to defer to Sully from Southie or Norm from Natick to break that down for you. Maybe it's still the Cup hangover, maybe it's the bullseyes on their backs. I don't know. Maybe they need another Duck Boat parade to get their juices flowing. We'll see. What say you "Clode"?

What's up with Tony La Russa's hair bro'?

Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals for winning the 2011 World Series. I can speak for the 128 people who actually watched the Series by saying that it was a well earned and exiting victory. Now, Cards skipper Tony LaRussa has announced that he is hanging up his cleats and calling it a career in MLB managing. After 33 years and 3 titles, he retiring at the age of 167. Well, don't quote me on that age. By the way, I don't mean to seem insensitive, but is that hair really his? It seems an unusual color and texture for a man his age. I think it's a wig, bro'. If it isn't, my apologies to Tony and his family. If it is, dude, you're a highly paid prfessional. Get a better piece my man. Anyway, good luck with your retirement. If, in fact, you actually are retiring. If, in fact, you are secretly coming back to manage the Bostion Red Sox, I really wish you good luck...no really...

If there were a basket ball game in the forest and nobody cared...

There's this pretty cool show on Fox called Terra Nova. Also, there's Dancing with the Stars. I could always catch up on some old episodes of the Vampire Diaries...NO, I guess I really DON'T give a rat's ass that the NBA is not on television. Wake me in December, and I'll tell you if it's a concerning news story yet. Mr. Fischer. Mr. Stern. Good luck, gentlemen.

Well, there you have it. Ripped from todays papers...err, or webosites...or whatever. Keep your eye on the ice and your stick on the ball, or whatever. You know what I mean...

Non illegitimi corrundum.

Waxing Sophomoric

"What in Hell is he talking about"?

"I don't know Hoodie. I guess it is what it is".

Thought I'd start up another blog to pass some of my brain droppings on to my intronet associate out there. Seemed to me there is plenty of opportunity to vent vitriol and wax nostalgic on the subject of Sport and sport culture minutia. Particularly if you are a follower of BOSTON sports. So that being said, keep tuned in and feel free to join in with witty comments and germaine observatioins of your own. Big words, eh? You bet. Anyhow, keep posted, and I'll keep posting. What could happen?