"No man, wait Tito, don't go man, I got your back, bro'..."To get things started, the editorial staff at BI has assembled the top five recent sports stories, at least from our vantage point and tried to make sense of them, using small words you can easily understand, never using terms like"surreptitiously" or "erstwhile". Damn, there I go again. Anyhow, in no particular order, we present the following:
Ortiz or Sabathia: who's fatter
Now let's get one thing straight Sox fans: David Ortiz doesn't care about you. Sorry to say that, but he does not. He'll surely go play ball somewhere else in 2012. If he doesn't it won't be for lack of trying. Could it be Toronto? He could sure help out Bautista. It couldn't go any worse for the Jays than 81-81. Ortiz could put some more punch in that line-up, even at his advanced age. Could he go to the Yankees. Unsavory as that sounds, it could happen. He'd probaly love it."They do it right in NY", says Popi. If he does come back to Boston, groovy. More power to him. I'll still root for him. Whatever.
Also, as you may have heard, we're not getting CC Sabathia, or as I like to call him, CC 'FatAssia". Yes, the Wankees signed him for another contract for about a Kazillin dollars a year. Now tell me that fat bastard is not choogling beer and throwing back fried chicken in the clubhouse on his off days. Well, at least he produces on his day to pitch. Hear that Lackey?! Oh, stop crying about your elbow!
Wakefield slated to be Sox 2012 #1 starter
According to a report by Jackie McMullen from ESPN Boston.com, incoming BoSox GM Ben Cherington has announced that Tim Wakefield will be the top starter for the Sox 2012 rotation. In a suprising annnouncement at his innauguaral news conference, Cherinton put his full support behind the aging 58 year old knuckleballer. "He's obviously in the best shape", said Cherinton. "And the least hungover". When approached by reporters at a local Boston KFC, both John Lester and Josh Beckett declined to comment.
Big Bad Bruins just plain bad
After bringing home Lord Stanleys Cup last year and ending the suffering of many of my homeys from Beantown, the B's have started the 2012 campaign pretty much stepping on their dicks so far. Now, don't get me wrong about two things: 1. I still loves me some Bruins, 2. I am no Hockey expert. I don't know what the Hell is making the B's performance so underwhelming thus far. I would have to defer to Sully from Southie or Norm from Natick to break that down for you. Maybe it's still the Cup hangover, maybe it's the bullseyes on their backs. I don't know. Maybe they need another Duck Boat parade to get their juices flowing. We'll see. What say you "Clode"?
What's up with Tony La Russa's hair bro'?
Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals for winning the 2011 World Series. I can speak for the 128 people who actually watched the Series by saying that it was a well earned and exiting victory. Now, Cards skipper Tony LaRussa has announced that he is hanging up his cleats and calling it a career in MLB managing. After 33 years and 3 titles, he retiring at the age of 167. Well, don't quote me on that age. By the way, I don't mean to seem insensitive, but is that hair really his? It seems an unusual color and texture for a man his age. I think it's a wig, bro'. If it isn't, my apologies to Tony and his family. If it is, dude, you're a highly paid prfessional. Get a better piece my man. Anyway, good luck with your retirement. If, in fact, you actually are retiring. If, in fact, you are secretly coming back to manage the Bostion Red Sox, I really wish you good luck...no really...
If there were a basket ball game in the forest and nobody cared...
There's this pretty cool show on Fox called Terra Nova. Also, there's Dancing with the Stars. I could always catch up on some old episodes of the Vampire Diaries...NO, I guess I really DON'T give a rat's ass that the NBA is not on television. Wake me in December, and I'll tell you if it's a concerning news story yet. Mr. Fischer. Mr. Stern. Good luck, gentlemen.
Well, there you have it. Ripped from todays papers...err, or webosites...or whatever. Keep your eye on the ice and your stick on the ball, or whatever. You know what I mean...
Non illegitimi corrundum.
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